Blues...

Am feeling not good lately...

I suspect it most likely caused by me spending too much time watching the TV and reading. I finally catch up on my reads as I was too busy the past 2 months - my books are already covered in a thick layer of dust so I started on this reading-marathon * hehehe * This marathon is taking its toll on me as I am now lethargic and tired for straining my eyes too much in devouring page after page. Of course, my reversed sleeping hours fired more exhaustion on my already ailing body ... On top of that, alternating my time between reading AND crocheting - damn, these activities does a lot of damage to my panda eyes * :P *

As to why spending too much time watching TV and reading does my emotions go awry is that - I am overly * erm... yeah, SP is right all these while * :P * S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E and as W@i and C kept screaming - " Stop reading so much between the lines / words !!! Grr...! * :P *

Hey, I cant help it if I tend to " feel " too much! Yeah, I admit I am very emotionally fragile and my emotions can fluctuate faster than the share markets * heehee... * I have said before, I am someone who can cry just from watching AnimalPlanet channel. Seriously! I watched this documentary on Pandas recently, and I cried when one of the male pandas lost in a fight during the mating season. To see him walking away defeated and hurted in the fight just tore my heart and I can feel the disappointment of his and how he hate himself for being so weak ... * tears... * And I just cant bear watching the AnimalsPolice series where the AnimalsPolice who works with SPCA saves abused animals - OMG, I cry every GodDamn time!

I watched one Thai show late one night on Astro, titled " The Judgment " late one night. Its about this guy who went home to his dad after his National Service and found out that his dad took in a lost young girl who apparently mentally challenged as wife. His dad passed away shortly after this son's arrival and put into him the responsibility to take care of the 'wife'. As they stay in a very secluded and small kampung, the people there, well, kampung-minded.

Everyone in the village stigmatized the poor young son by accusing him to 'share' the young woman with his father and all those rubbish. It was a very tear-jerking movie as the Son was actually a very pious man who wanted to renounce the world and become a monk after his dad's death but that plan had to be postponed as he needed to take care of the disabled girl. I cant stand all the cruelty that he had to go through, the ugly words he had to endure, his money cheated by his employer, no one even attended his dad's funeral! No one believed that his relationship with the young girl was clean and he turned into an alcoholic due to the pressure and injustice he suffered. He and the poor girl even got beaten often by the villagers!

Another scene that really shook my calm was how he was forced to KILL a stray dog which was THOUGHT to be a threat to the school children as the poor stray happened to wander into the school compound. The poor Son was forced to hit the dog with a GodDamn CANGKUL!!! OMG!!! And the stupid show was so damn realistic - they actually scened how the dog howled and scrambled for life while receiving 3 blows of the cangkul before it finally died * sob... * sob... *

It certainly does no good for my moods as I read Adeline Yen Mah's Chinese Cinderella where she tells the horror of being an unwanted daughter in a Chinese family. My heart bleeds for her having to endure so much hardship and cruelty - which are inflicted by her own flesh and blood! I understand how much it kills you when you cant even sought serenity and security in your own home, how much it shatters you to do all your best to please others and your efforts not only not being appreciated, but despised ...

The world is full of cruelty and yeah, I guess I would rather not know the details. People do can be very cruel and at times, evil. I am lucky for living in a cocooned condition where I received little impact reality's cruelty and hardship. I have people who loves me, I have a safe environment to live in. What really hit me is how people nowadays always live in misery. Turn on the music and you can hear numerous songs on breakups and heart aches. Turn on the TV and all the story centered on sex, tak habis-habis about cinta tak berbalas and who trying to harm who.

I know that in reality, life is hard. How many people actually live happily ever after with the one they love? Everyone will somehow encounter some kind of hardship / problem. I guess I just dont want to know though I know it is there. Knowing is one thing, and being reminded constantly is another. Some people say fairy tales are the best as they allows one to feel happy and hope that prince charming does exist and that life would be happily ever after eventually. Oh yeah? How many princes are there? I think they mostly being taken by the princesses in the fairy tales la... Especially when the rate of guys being gays are rocketing? And that 50% of 'happily ever after' ended in divorce? Are the princes still as charming or just charming their way into your panties for the night?

* sigh... * At times, some people can be so naive... But then again, dream is a beautiful thing and hope is what makes us strive on ... I guess I need more happy stories to boost back my optimism!